Talking to your partner about sex

It’s important for you and your partner to be on the same page before making the decision to have sex. This is part of having mutual consent. It’s wrong to assume that things like body language, how they dress, or how they act equals permission to engage in sex. If you’ve made the mutual decision to have sex, here are a few things you should consider.


Saying no to sex should be as simple as that, but you might feel pressured, guilty, manipulated, or coerced when you say no. It’s a good idea to set boundaries in your relationship. Pressuring someone to have sex is never okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected.

Being honest

Make sure that you’re completely ready. It can take some time for people in new relationships to get to know each other, so don’t rush. Talk to your partner about any concerns you’re having and be honest if you’re not ready for sex yet. Remember that a good partner will respect your decisions.


Talking about what you’re comfortable, and not comfortable with is the first step to a healthy sexual relationship. This means you and your partner will be on the same page. It’s also okay to change your mind at any point. 

Consider possible risks

As you know, sexual intercourse comes with certain risks. Talking to your partner about STIs and how you would handle an unplanned pregnancy is very important before engaging in sexual intercourse. Using contraceptives and condoms can protect you from unplanned pregnancy and STIs.

STI screening 

Getting tested for STIs isn’t about cheating or not trusting your partner. You can have an STI for years and not know it (not all STIs show symptoms). Getting screened for STIs regularly, during your relationship, is the only way to know for sure.

It may seem hard to speak to your partner about sex or tell them that you’re not ready to have sex, thinking that they’ll leave or love you less. But it’s normal not to feel ready or have concerns. Sex is a big deal, Choma, and you and your partner should be on the same page and respect each other’s decisions.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Messagea Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).