Jealousy is a common trait that we all have, especially when we are in relationships. It may be cute at first because we think that it means that our partners care and are just emotionally invested in the relationship. But this is not always the case and while a little jealousy can be healthy sometimes, it can also be very problematic.

This month’s Question of the Month deals with jealousy. I sometimes get questions from Chomas asking how they can deal with a partner who is jealous. Not knowing what to do in this situation is completely understandable. Being in a relationship with someone who is constantly jealous can be tiring and for many people jealousy is also a deal breaker. If you’re in that situation, here’s some advice.

Talk to them about it

If you’re at a point where you feel like your partner’s jealousy is really affecting your relationship negatively, then it’s probably time to sit them down and talk to them about it. Let them know that you sense their jealousy in certain situations (you can let them know which situations. For example, when you hang out with your friends or when you talk to your neighbour). Ask them why they feel the way they do. This is an opportunity for you to hear your partner out without fighting and not making them feel judged for opening up.

Listen to them

Your partner might bring up valid points about feeling insecure in the relationship. , Maybe it seems to them that you forget they exist when someone else walks into the room, or maybe you don’t introduce them as your partner around certain people. It’s important to listen to your partner and not simply become defensive when they talk about how your behaviour affects their behaviour. For example, don’t immediately say “I never do that!” Or “You’re exaggerating!” when your partner is discussing their feelings. It’s important to understand from their perspective and feelings.

Talk about healthy boundaries

Once you and your partner have discussed the situation and both understand where each person is coming from, then it’s time to discuss a way forward. If your behaviour towards your partner makes them feel insecure, then you could agree to be more respectful of their feelings and stop dismissing them in front of others.

Creating a healthy boundary here  means you and your partner are checking each other when your behaviour towards one another feels disrespectful . For your partner, you should let them know when you feel like their jealousy is infringing on your personal space and independence. Setting a healthy boundary means letting them know that you will hang out with your friends and they need to respect that. If you’re doing things that don’t hurt your relationship, your partner needs to show you that they trust you by letting you do those things.

It’s important to remember that dealing with a jealous partner doesn’t mean giving them your passwords to everything, letting them know about your every move or avoiding the people who make you happy just so that you can make your partner happy. That’s not healthy at all. Your partner needs to understand that excessive jealousy can become abusive and totally ruin what the two of you have. The best way to deal with this is for the two of you to talk to each other and agree on a healthy way forward.

If you’re afraid that your partners jealousy actually borders on abuse, read this article as well as this one.

Remember, if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).